Loveless
by Clumsy Owl
Summary: "My name is Renji Abarai. This is the story of my best friend, of an outcast, a dove, of a small coffee shop, a drawing, and of a few lies. This is the story of my best friend. This is the story of how I killed him." GrimmIchi, yaoi (maybe...if I am feeling brave...)
1. The End

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story line...much to my dismay**

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_"A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you."_

_-Elbert Hubbard_

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"Son, are you alright?" A light is shining on me. A man kneels, or sits, in front of me. My head hurts. Something drips on my face. I smell copper.

"Hey! We need some help here! We have six people! Boys! Four aren't breathing!"

"Found another! He's alive, but in critical condition!"

"Son, can you tell us your name?" He addresses me. I stare at him. My head hurts. The light is too bright. Why do I smell copper? Something drips on my face.

"Son, can you hear me?" I can't move. My head hurts. The light is too bright. "I NEED SOME HELP HERE!" Can you stop shouting? My head hurts. I smell copper.

"We need seven ambulances NOW!"

"Right away."

"I need some help over here!"

"Found another?"

"Yeah! This one is still alive, but severely banged up."

"Shit! Make that eight. Eight ambulance and we need them here YESTERDAY!"

"Sir, they have just arrived."

"Good. Now let's get them loaded up."

"Son, there is an ambulance here for you and it is going to take you to the hospital." Copper. I smell copper. Something drips on my face. Water. The light is too bright. My head hurts. I can't move.

I am lifted. I feel nauseous. Everything hurts. I am lying down. The light is too bright. My head hurts. Doors are slammed. A siren. I am moving. I am not. Something is moving me. Ouch. I wish the pain would stop. Make it stop. Please?

Doors open. I am moved. More lights. More pain. My head hurts. I still smell copper. It's on me. I don't want to smell it. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to-

I stop. Something stops that thought. I don't want to what? Ouch. My head hurts. I don't want to smell copper. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to-what? Ouch! Stop hurting! I don't want to- I don't want to- I don't want to-remember...Remember what? ...Ichigo.

Someone comes in. They ask me questions. I can't move. I can't answer. They say I have a concussion. I have some cuts. They sew me up. I probably look like Frankenstein's monster. My head still hurts. There is a needle in my hand. It itches. I want to sleep. Another person comes in. He isn't dressed the same.

"Son, may I ask you a few questions?" That voice. It was from before. I try to focus. It hurts. Everything hurts. I try to nod. Pain. Pain pain pain. I do nod.

"What is your name?" I open my mouth to answer. My voice is not my voice.

"Renji...Abarai." Pain. So much head hurts.

"Can you recall for me what happened?"

"Sir? I'm sorry, but your questions will have to wait until tomorrow." A woman says. The man leaves. I am alone. The lights are out. My head hurts. I fall asleep.

I wake up. I hurt everywhere. I'm thirsty. There is water by my bed. I reach for it. There is a needle in my hand. It itches. I drink. Someone enters. They ask how I am feeling. Isn't it obvious? They leave. The man from last night comes in. I recognize him now. I dislike him.

"Son...Mr. Abarai. Would you mind telling me what went down last night." I shake my head. Pain. Duller pain. My voice is more my own. Tears fall. I am crying.

"My friends...are they?" I can't finish. He knows what I mean.

"Of the eight we found, four are still alive. Two of them have yet to wake up, and one is still asleep." I frown. Isn't that the same? He notices. "The two, the doctors believe, are in a coma." My eyes widen. "We will have to ask someone to identify them so we can tell their families."

I look at my lap. Four survived. Ichigo is dead. I know that much. I want to be dead, too. I deserve it.

"Son, we need to know what happened."

"I'll tell you. But I am starting from the beginning." My head hurts. The lights are far too bright. I want to die. I want to cry. I am crying. Why isn't the pain going away? Isn't crying supposed to help? The man grabs a chair and sits down. He takes out a black box. A recorder. I hope it has a lot of memory.

"Anytime you're ready, son."

Deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. Swallow. Inhale. Begin.

"My name is Renji Abarai. This is the story of my best friend, of an outcast, a dove, of a small coffee shop, a drawing, and of a few lies. This is the story of my best friend. This is the story of how I killed him."

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**Please tell me what you thought? If you have any comments, questions, concerns, don't hesitate to share. The next chapter will be up shortly.**


	2. What we once had

**What We Once Had**

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_"A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow." _

_-William Shakespear_

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Renji honked the car horn for the fifth time that morning. He held the button down, letting it blast for a solid ten seconds. He waited some more, checking the time.

"HEY! WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE!" he shouted. He already had two tardies marked against him. One more and he'll get a detention. Today was the one day that could not happen.

The front door swung open, and out came his best friend. Ichigo ran to the truck and hopped into the bed. He liked it better there. Renji scolded him as he pulled out of the driveway and raced them both to school. They made it, but Renji swore it was far too close.

"Calm down. It isn't the end of the world," Ichigo teased. "Besides, your girlfriend probably expects you to not have anything planned for your anniversary, so relax."

Renji took his seat next to Ichigo. "Relax? And what? Her supposed lack of expectations are supposed to make me feel better?"

"Ah well, if you weren't late to school, you could always try being late to class." Ichigo snickered as Renji hit him with his text book. "Ouch!"

"You deserved that one, ya sour strawberry!"

"How? I only stated the obvious."

"Quiet down, please!" The teacher started class. Renji ignored his friend's quiet chuckles. Honestly, how Ichigo could laugh at him all through class and still get perfect scores, he will probably never know. He was just a smart asshole with his undying friendship. Renji glanced at his friend when he heard a particularly loud snicker. On his desk was a note from a classmate. Renji glanced at it. It was from Orihime, a girl with a major crush on Ichigo. She wrote to him in every class they had together, always about something dumb she did, or what she thought of a youtube video, or something. When asked, she had said she liked making Ichigo laugh. It was cute.

Ichigo replied and passed the note onto Orihime. She read it, then quickly hid her face. Her ears were red, so Renji knew she was blushing. He raised his eyebrows and looked at his friend. He shrugged.

"When are you two going to get together?" Renji whispered. Ichigo frowned.

"What?"

"She obviously has a huge crush on you. It's painful to watch. When are you going to gather the guts to ask her out?"

"Like you did with Rukia?" Ichigo smirked. Victory. Renji scowled.

"Hey! Rukia may have been the one to ask, but that's just the way she is. Orihime isn't like that. If you want her, YOU need to be the one to ask."

"I don't know..."

"Why? You flirt every day, you seem to like her, she obviously likes you, she's hot, so what's the problem?" An impish grin grew on Ichigo's face.

"I'm going to tell Rukia you said that."

"Said what?"

"That Orihime is hot." Renji glared.

"Don't. You. Dare." Ichigo's grin grew.

"Oh, don't I?" Renji's eyes widened.

"Please don't! Ichigo, if our friendship means anything, don't tell her." Ichigo's grin slipped away, leaving a slight frown.

"Our friendship means everything. Fine. I won't tell her."

Renji sighed in relief and turned back the the lesson. Ichigo snickered next to him. Renji watched him get out his sketchbook and a pencil, and promptly start doodling. He rolled his eyes. One day, he'll see his friend actually pay attention in class.

The bell rang and they went their separate ways. Renji had his next class with Rukia in Spanish, while Ichigo was with Orihime in art. Renji met up with Rukia and together they walked to class. They were they school's dream couple. They never fought, never had trouble. They respected each other, and never did anything past holding hands in public. In private was a whole other story, but no one complained. The parents adored them, as they were rather conservative on their views of love, and they were often the example given when the parents wanted to show their kids what a proper relationship looked like. Rukia was the sister of a prestigious business man, so she was brought up knowing what she did affected her brother's reputation. Renji was the son of an embassador, also with the same burden. Together, they knew their own reputations were important, and worked to keep them clean.

In art, Ichigo sat with Orihime, thinking of what Renji had said. He knew what kept him from asking his friend out, but Hell would freeze over and start growing daisies and daffodils before he told the redhead that. For one, it was a carefully guarded secret even his own family didn't know, and for two, he didn't want others to think him...odd. Well, /more/ odd. He had bright orange hair and loved to draw and paint. He was often so immersed in art he lost track of time and ended up late to his next class. Other students thought he was weird enough, he didn't need them to have any more reason to.

Ichigo pulled out his sketchbook. He wanted to finish the landscape drawing he had started during the previous class. He was working on the ripples of the water when a shadow blocked his light. He looked up to see his art teacher.

"Hey Ms. Yoruichi," he greeted politely. The woman grinned down at him.

"Good morning, Ichigo. Are you going to enter this one in the art show?" The art show was big in Ms. Yoruichi's world. To the rest of the town, it might as well be a mosquito in the car. They just wanted it to be gone.

"Nah. I don't think so."

"Why not? You have quite a talent, here, you know?" Ichigo shook his head. He hated compliments.

"Thanks...I guess. I don't know. The art show is just...everyone laughs at it, and I don't want to be laughed at." His teacher sighed and shook her head.

"Pity. You would be able to win big easily, and then be off to the national art show. Who knows? You might even be good enough to go further if you put more effort and care into it." Then she was gone. Ichigo chewed his lip as he stared at his landscape. All he saw were the flaws: the branch he had drawn a little too long, the rock that looked a little too rough. He couldn't see it going anywhere past where it was: in his sketchbook.

"That really does look good, you know? Ms. Yoruichi isn't lying when she says you have talent." Ichigo started. He hadn't heard anyone come up behind him.

"May I look through the rest of your sketchbook?" Ichigo warily turned to the man and handed it over without a word. "I'm Shinji, by the way. I don't think we've met."

"Ichigo. I don't think we have either." Shinji grinned. He finished looking through the several landscapes, objects, people, animals, and architecture Ichigo had drawn, and held the book up to one page.

"Can I have this?" Ichigo's eyebrows shot up in surprise. Shinji had it turned to a drawing of a knight he had done a week ago. He wasn't too proud of it, with it's too small feet, and it's lack of a good background, so he took the book and tore it out carefully.

Shinji grinned some more and sat down next to him. "You know, I have friends who would love to meet someone who is actually good at art in this town. They seem to think that since everyone they date is a complete dildo with a pencil, all folks here are the same. I'm using this drawing to prove them wrong."

Ichigo shrugged and went back to his landscape. Shinji kept on talking next to him, even after the bell rang. Ms. Yoruichi allowed both of them to remain, explaining she wanted them to help clean up to the teacher of their next classes. He ended up spending all day until lunch in art. He had finally finished his landscape, adding the final touches to the foliage, when the lunch bell rang.

Shinji helped him clean up, then invited him to eat with him and his friends. Ichigo politely refused, and went to eat with Renji and the others.

"You skipped our class!" Renji accused when he caught sight of Ichigo approaching. Beside him, Chad and Ishida continued their quiet game of checkers, while Rukia and Orihime talked about anything and everything. Ichigo took his seat next to Chad and Renji.

"Yeah, I was still in art class." Ichigo said. He offered no further explanation, even as Orihime suddenly exclaimed how Ms. Yoruichi had told Ichigo he should enter the art show. To that, a few scoffs were heard and Ichigo was again reminded how little these people thought of artists. This was the land of the rich, where the only acceptable professions involved what these people classified as "real work."

"Hey, Ichigo. Rukia and I were planning on hosting a pool party this weekend. Wanna come?" Ichigo looked at Renji, then Rukia, eyebrow cocked. The goody-two-shoes were hosting a party? He shrugged.

"Why not?" Rukia grinned and winked oh-so-subtly at Orihime.

The rest of the lunch was rather uneventful. They moved on to their next class. Renji and Ichigo arrived at Chemistry with mere seconds to spare, causing the redhead to curse the orangette for all he was worth and then some, once again emphasizing the importance of being ON TIME today. Ichigo just laughed it off.

The chemistry teacher started the lesson, discussing the chapter and explaining the lab they were starting next week. Renji paid close attention, trying to ignore his friend as he doodled away, /not/ even listening.

Renji mentally sighed. One day, he will make the other pay attention in class. How, he did not know. He just knew that the day will come when Ichigo will have no choice. Renji smiled at the thought. His friend will finally be back among the humans, rather than the art geeks, or the ridiculously smart. He will be happy to see his friend become one with the rest of the students, where he clearly belongs.

**Review? Anyone, anyone? Maybe yes, maybe no? OK...**

**Just so you know, the chances of me updating again this week are slim at best. Sorry...**

**OH! And one more thing, THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING/FAVORITING THIS STORY!**

**Again...Review? Yes? No? OK...**


	3. The Beginning of Change

**The Beginning of Change**

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"If you have good friends, no matter how much life is sucking , they can make you laugh."

-P.C. Cast

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Shinji grinned proudly as he approached their usual booth in the corner. He spied his friends already there, waiting for him, though he was a little peeved. Each of them had already been served their usual orders. They could have at least waited.

The blonde shook his head. He'll get them back sometime, but now, he had a bet to win and payment to collect. He sent his friends his best, award-winning smile, knowing full well it creeped most people out.

"What are you so happy about?" Nnoitra demanded. He was scowling as though Shinji's glee had personally wronged him. He supposed that wasn't entirely untrue: in a moment, his glee will turn into childish joy when his news is delivered. "Finally get your first kiss?"

"Ah, but Nnoi, I already took that from him years ago," answered Starrk lazily. His hair was in an adorable mess, as if he had just woken up from a nap. He probably had. Nnoitra shot him a glare.

"Hey, don't go glaring at him just because you're jealous." Shinji chided as he sat next to their tall friend and kissed his cheek. Nnoitra scowled even more and sipped his coffee.

"PDA," a new voice drawled. Shinji grinned up at Grimmjow, who was already holding his usual order.

"Of which you enjoy every second," Shinji retorted with a wink. Grimmjow rolled his eyes and sat down next to Starrk.

"Whatever you say, Pixie-Dust."

With the addition of Grimmjow, all who were expected to join were present. Ulquiorra, who had remained quiet throughout the exchange sat nearest to the window next to Starrk, who was between Ulqui and Grimm. Szayel sat by the window, next to Nnoitra. Together, the six of them were the closest group of friends Shinji could hope for, and right now, they were witnesses.

"Hey, Nnoi-nnoi?" The false innocence coupled with that hated nickname made Nnoitra stiffen. He really didn't like it when Shinji used that voice. "Remember that bet we made two weeks ago, at the start of school?"

"Why?" Things really weren't looking up for him.

"Grimm-kitty, Ulqui, Zayle, Puppy, do you?" Each stiffened in turn as their own hated nicknames surfaced in the conversation. They nodded, warily. Shinji opened his backpack and took out a folder. From it, he slid the drawing Ichigo had given him, face down, onto the table. "Well, gentlemen, I think it's time to pay the piper."

With that, he dramatically flipped the paper over, revealing the knight in all it's graphite glory. Nnoitra scowled, but he couldn't help but appreciate the handiwork. Szayel pushed his glasses up as he leaned back, accepting his fate. Ulquiorra looked on in silence, then leaned forward to better examine the art. Starrk yawned and put his head down. Grimmjow leaned forward and examined the art, eyes scanning the paper hungrily.

"Damn. You printed this off the internet." Shinji shook his head.

"Sorry to disappoint you, Grimm-kitty, but I actually spoke with the artist. He is in my art class."

"Alright, fine. So you found someone who could draw within the first month. What do you want?" Szayle asked, wanting only to be able to get this over with.

"From you, honey bunches, I'll settle for forty bucks." The pink-haired man nodded, reaching for his wallet. "Ulquiorra, I want your Hershey's chocolate stash. All of it, including the syrup. And the rest of you...I'll think of something." Shinji grinned at the looks of dread on Grimmjow's, Starrk's and Nnoitra's faces. Oh how he LOVED being the winner of their bets.

"Great, I'll be looking forward to it." Shinji grinned at the Nnoitra's sarcasm.

"As you should be," he whispered, leaning in for a kiss.

"PDA."

"Don't pretend you don't enjoy it." With that, Shinji closed the distance, his lips pressing playfully against Nnoitra's.

An hour or two passed, and the group of friends had moved their conversation past the bet and onto other, somewhat safer topics. They all had news of some sort, it seemed. For instance, Nnoitra had been called his father out of the blue. Shinji assumed that was why he had been scowling so hard earlier. Grimmjow was getting a raise, as he had been working at this coffee shop for the past two years and the manager finally decided it was time to reward. Starrk actually won custody over his little sister, so she will be living with him starting the following week. Ulquiorra had finished his reading book (a good old 3,000 page monstrosity about history, or some nonsense), and announced his blog had hit over one thousand followers. Szayel, got in yet another fight with his parents, this time the topic being his ambitious career goals. The man wanted to become a surgeon, but not just any surgeon, the world's greatest. His parents wanted him to have a more secure goal, seeing as they believed their son to be "too goddamned stupid and clumsy to be trusted with such a costly occupation."

When the sun was starting to touch the horizon, they all decided it was time to say their goodbyes. Shinji packed up, carefully closing the drawing in the folder and slipping the whole thing back into his bag. He practically skipped out of the coffee shop, fingers entwined with Nnoitra's, as he waved goodbye to Grimmjow, who was stuck working for the next hour or so.

"So, are you going to tell me what has got you all happy?" Nnoitra questioned. Shinji grinned.

"Oh but of course! I know _exactly_ how I'm going to be collecting my winnings from _you_," the blonde announced, his grin growing bigger with every syllable. Nnoitra frowned, his bandana shifting a little on his face as his eyebrows drew together.

"And how's that?" Shinji looked up at him.

"You, my freakishly tall friend, are going to help me. I want to add another member to our little motley family." Nnoitra only rolled his eye.

"I can only see this ending in disaster."

"Hey! Do it, or you aren't getting anywhere near this ass for a month."

"...Who's the poor bastard?"

Ichigo slammed his palm down on his alarm clock. It wasn't set to go off for another hour, but that small fact had not quite registered in the tired teen's mind. It was 5:16 am, according to the angry red digits, but the boy got up anyway. He might as well, right? If sleep left him now, it certainly wouldn't be coming back anytime soon. Sleep was such a spiteful bitch in that way.

Ichigo stood and stretched, his grey night shirt riding up slightly on his slim frame. Normally, like the time, this would not have even registered in the boy's mind, but this morning was different. He had been facing the closet, which, by some cruel trick of fate, sported spotless mirrored doors. Ichigo had a perfect view of his exposed stomach, causing him to grimace and pull his shirt back down. God, how he hated this morning already.

He took a shower, not bothering to worry about waking anybody up. They all slept like zombies, anyway. After drying off, riding his hair of knots and getting dressed, he decided to spend the rest of the morning drawing. He locked his door, before pulling out his sketchbook. The day before, he had finished his landscape, and started to draw a tower. It was drawn at an angle, as though someone were lying on the ground, next to the corner, and looking up. Ichigo wasn't too proud of it, but he might as well finish.

Time seemed to fly by, and before he knew it, Ichigo was flying across his room to turn off his alarm and put away his sketchbook. He did so just in time, as his door opened, despite it having been locked. His father stood there, nodded when he saw his son was up, then turned to go downstairs. Ichigo let go of the breath he hadn't known he was holding and followed suit.

Breakfast was a quiet affair, but the teen was expecting it to be. Nobody seemed to be in high spirits, so it was actually expected. Yuzu had attempted some idle chit-chat, but gave up and let the silence run its course. When Renji came honking, Ichigo was more than happy to get out of the house. He kissed his sisters on the forehead, ignoring their protests, and ran out the door.

School was as boring as ever. Renji talked about what he and Rukia had done over their anniversary the night before. Apparently, Renji had forgotten that some places required a little thing called a _reservation_. Ichigo laughed at him, like he usually would, and Renji glared. As soon as class started, he was so deep in his drawings he almost forgot to read the daily note from Orihime. After replying, Renji rolled his eyes and delivered his usual "just ask her out" speech, to which Ichigo gave his own eyeroll.

Art finally came around, but this day was different from most others. Instead of providing quiet company, it seemed Orihime was determined to strike conversation. Shinji, too, wanted to talk and their combined efforts kept the man from moving forward in his drawing. Yoruichi seemed to sense his struggle, as she sent him several teasing smirks.

But the day only continued, time stretching out so the end seemed forever out of reach. Ichigo wished for some quiet, but even as he tried to block out the world, someone seemed to want to pull him back in.

"Earth to Ichigo!" Exhibit A: Renji. "You in there?" Ichigo looked up from his sketchbook to glare at his friend. "There he is! I thought you were a goner for sure."

"What do you want?" He was in no mood for pleasantries.

"Do you have the homework from last night? I didn't have time to do any of it." Ichigo rolled his eyes and handed the papers over. Renji copied the answers with a practiced hand and flashed his friend a quick smile full of gratitude before handing them back. "Thanks, dude. You're a lifesaver."

To that, Ichigo only nodded. He would have continued to work on his art, when lo and behold, another distraction came around. Exhibit B: Rukia.

"Hey, Ichigo! About that pool party this weekend, you /are/ still coming, right?" To Ichigo's quirked brow, she added, "Because if you aren't I need to know."

"I haven't made any other plans, so I do believe I am still going. Why?"

"Oh, no reason. I only need to get an accurate head-count."

"Uh-huh...Is that all?"

"Actually...Ichigo, I need to ask you something. How-" Rukia was never able to complete her question, because just then, the teacher clapped her hands and demanded silence. Ichigo took the opportunity to bow his head and shut the world out. He loved his friends, truly, but sometimes he just wanted some space.

At the end of the day, he found a way to escape their trying to get his attention. He had come up with the excuse that Ms. Yoruichi had asked his to come see her after school, so they let him disappear, though not without the few jeers and remarks about what a waste of time art is. Ichigo let the remarks roll off his back like water on an oil canvass. Even if it stung a little to have his favorite passion to be ridiculed, he could not blame them. He, too, thought some things were pointless.

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**Woo! I got it done...Definitely is not the best...I was drugged through 95% of it (for medical purposes only), so I apologize for it's suckishness...****  
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**On a more positive note... or a more negative, depending how you look at it, I might end up rewriting this whole story someday...maybe...if I am motivated**

**Thank you everyone who followed/favorited this story! It means a lot to know you like it enough to want to read more.**

**AND A HUMONGOUS THANK YOU TO MEEREVEL AND OHTHETHRILL FOR REVIEWING! IT MEANT THE WORLD :D**

**Sooooo...in the mean time, while I try and update one of my stories (not sure which) let me know what you think. It really does inspire me to write faster, knowing people care...so...review? Yay? Nay? We'll see, I guess.**


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